H&M Orange Bikini (Old Stock) | Primark Mirror Sunglasses | Topshop Hand Bracelet | H&M Choker | DIY Colorful necklace | Boohoo Midi Dress (Worn as waistcoat) | Berska Sandals 

Let me begin by saying Sorry, Sorry to divert from my usual upbeat frolicking in regards to an Outfit post.
But I've had this burrowing nagging pain lurching on to me, I must confess I've struggled to post any looks whilst I've been away due to the overwhelming self doubt that many of us Women and Men of this generation find cast upon us any time 'Bikini' season rears its head. I've always put my self down as someone who was at one with my body, I neither loathed or loved it, I was on neutral ground, I merely saw it in its literally sense, a home to embody, a machine to fuel and operate - aesthetics usually never played a role.
 Until the day I helped out at a fashion show at university, I helped prepare the models for stage, carefully dressing them one by one and ensuring they each had the right shoes and what not.. I then noticed the lecturers dart round in a mad panic as a model hadn't turned up, their eyes Immediately lit up as they saw me behind the rails (I'm 5'8 but I usually wear a heel making me at least 5'10) and shouted for me to come forward, I timidly emerged from the rails as the room turned quiet to then suddenly hear them say 'Oh no shes way too fat' my heart sank as I slowly backed away, I never saw myself as being someone overweight, I never saw myself as anything, I thought I was perfectly average. I would never have put myself in model category as I know I wouldn't fit the criteria, so to then have it pushed upon me and then be humiliated in front of my peers threw me back, Those scornful mumbled words said out of panic have embellished themselves into the very fabric of my sole. I've tried to justify them and settle it with reason but its a sentence I just can't seem to shake. 
Maybe no one heard it? Maybe it wasn't their intentions? But ever since that moment I've had a continuous battle with the mirror and slowly spiraled into a state of self loathing. I constantly try to deceive myself into loving my body, I flick through the internet and try to compare my body shape and tell myself I look perfectly fine. But In reality I don't feel fine, The little green eyed monster appears every time I see someone thin with that damn 'Thigh gap' which I love to hate and then see that they can eat whatever they want, logically I'm no fool, I know how metabolism works and trust me I've studied all sorts of nutrition advice, I know about how the human body works. But I've been brainwashed by the unrealistic beauty standard that we have all conjured up, we live in a world where Photoshop is God and we are merely mortals waiting to be transformed, we worship an unattainable standard, something I thought I had an immunity to has filtered through my defenses and left me beckoning for a hopeless change.

To be honest I was in turmoil about posting these photos and an even bigger state about my last bikini post, I'm sorry If this offends anyone,  I get an earful from my mother and Fiancee who constantly tell me I'm being foolish. But I need to move on from this feeling and the only way to do that is by facing it head on, I can't continue to shy away from the gut wrenching guilt food brings to me. I need to learn to love the skin I'm in, I eat healthily and that's the way I shall continue to live. F your beauty standards. 

P.S I've been Shortlisted to Report at LFW on behalf of Yahoo Lifestyle / Motel Rocks *Screammms*. I'd be eternally grateful if you could please Vote for 'Charlotte Goodayle' on the Yahoo LFW Comp Page. I cant even begin to tell you how much this would mean to me, Thank you guys. Lets do this!

P.P.S Hello Brother in my sunglasses reflection, his face recoiled in horror as I asked in to take photos of me in a bikini, was a tad strange I must admit aha! 

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H&M Orange Bikini (Old Stock) | Primark Mirror Sunglasses | Topshop Hand Bracelet | H&M Choker | DIY Colorful necklace | Boohoo Midi Dress (Worn as waistcoat) | Berska Sandals 

Let me begin by saying Sorry, Sorry to divert from my usual upbeat frolicking in regards to an Outfit post.
But I've had this burrowing nagging pain lurching on to me, I must confess I've struggled to post any looks whilst I've been away due to the overwhelming self doubt that many of us Women and Men of this generation find cast upon us any time 'Bikini' season rears its head. I've always put my self down as someone who was at one with my body, I neither loathed or loved it, I was on neutral ground, I merely saw it in its literally sense, a home to embody, a machine to fuel and operate - aesthetics usually never played a role.
 Until the day I helped out at a fashion show at university, I helped prepare the models for stage, carefully dressing them one by one and ensuring they each had the right shoes and what not.. I then noticed the lecturers dart round in a mad panic as a model hadn't turned up, their eyes Immediately lit up as they saw me behind the rails (I'm 5'8 but I usually wear a heel making me at least 5'10) and shouted for me to come forward, I timidly emerged from the rails as the room turned quiet to then suddenly hear them say 'Oh no shes way too fat' my heart sank as I slowly backed away, I never saw myself as being someone overweight, I never saw myself as anything, I thought I was perfectly average. I would never have put myself in model category as I know I wouldn't fit the criteria, so to then have it pushed upon me and then be humiliated in front of my peers threw me back, Those scornful mumbled words said out of panic have embellished themselves into the very fabric of my sole. I've tried to justify them and settle it with reason but its a sentence I just can't seem to shake. 
Maybe no one heard it? Maybe it wasn't their intentions? But ever since that moment I've had a continuous battle with the mirror and slowly spiraled into a state of self loathing. I constantly try to deceive myself into loving my body, I flick through the internet and try to compare my body shape and tell myself I look perfectly fine. But In reality I don't feel fine, The little green eyed monster appears every time I see someone thin with that damn 'Thigh gap' which I love to hate and then see that they can eat whatever they want, logically I'm no fool, I know how metabolism works and trust me I've studied all sorts of nutrition advice, I know about how the human body works. But I've been brainwashed by the unrealistic beauty standard that we have all conjured up, we live in a world where Photoshop is God and we are merely mortals waiting to be transformed, we worship an unattainable standard, something I thought I had an immunity to has filtered through my defenses and left me beckoning for a hopeless change.

To be honest I was in turmoil about posting these photos and an even bigger state about my last bikini post, I'm sorry If this offends anyone,  I get an earful from my mother and Fiancee who constantly tell me I'm being foolish. But I need to move on from this feeling and the only way to do that is by facing it head on, I can't continue to shy away from the gut wrenching guilt food brings to me. I need to learn to love the skin I'm in, I eat healthily and that's the way I shall continue to live. F your beauty standards. 

P.S I've been Shortlisted to Report at LFW on behalf of Yahoo Lifestyle / Motel Rocks *Screammms*. I'd be eternally grateful if you could please Vote for 'Charlotte Goodayle' on the Yahoo LFW Comp Page. I cant even begin to tell you how much this would mean to me, Thank you guys. Lets do this!

P.P.S Hello Brother in my sunglasses reflection, his face recoiled in horror as I asked in to take photos of me in a bikini, was a tad strange I must admit aha! 

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